Cobra Press Conference
by Shiroi no Kage
Summary: Definitely AU, because we're just a mishmash of different stuff. Asterisk78 and Brainiac5 have teamed up to give you the Cobra Press Conference, in which reporters ask probing questions, and get killed for their efforts. Rated T for death.


Disclaimer: My writing buddy and I do not own GI Joe, or any other name brands that may be mentioned in this fic. We hope you enjoy it, and if you read this, please review. We don't care if it's just a quick "Hi!" That's fine. We accept anonymous reviews, so there's no excuse.

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Early this morning, a disturbing sight was found in San Diego. The murdered remains of thirty or more journalists and reporters were found hacked to pieces near the site of a press conference. Eyewitnesses insist that the reporters were killed by a "ghost ninja", but authorities suspect that the crime was committed by Thomas "Storm Shadow" Arashikage.

The press conference was held by Destro Enterprises. Destro Enterprises is the maker of various types of large and small arms, and has been accused in the past of funding a terrorist group called Cobra. The press conference was held to dispel rumors about both Destro Enterprises and Cobra. However, the massacred journalists indicate that the press conference went awry.

The evidence supporting this claim comes from a small tape recorder that was found on the body of one of the journalists. The full transcription is available below.

(Begin recording. Sounds of chatter in the background.)

**Journalist** **1**: So, we're here at the Cobra Press Conference. We have probing questions for each member of the High Command! Will we discover something more about these criminals? What will be revealed?

**Journalist 2**: Cobra Commander, are you really a gigantic snake?

**Cobra Commander**: No. Snakes and humans aren't compatible. That's Mindbender's department!

**Journalist 3**: If you were stuck on an island with Duke, Scarlett, Flint and Snake Eyes, who would you kill first?

**CC**: Definitely Snake Eyes. He's probably the most threatening person out of that group.

**J2**: Are you really insane?

**CC**: Storm Shadow, kill them!

**Storm** **Shadow**: I'm too tired, Commander. Maybe tomorrow.

**J1**: That was too fast. Uh, fill some space…Destro, are you really in love with Baroness, or are you just using her?

**Destro**: No comment.

**J2**: Are you a hopeless romantic, or a Machiavellian killer?

**D**: I like to think I'm a little of both.

**J3**: Are you a robot, or is that just a mask?

**D**: Of course it's a mask, you fool!

**J3**: Could you take Zartan in a fight?

**D**: Depends on whether or not he cheats.

**J2**: What's your stand on the War on Terror?

**D**: It's the best thing that's ever happened! Since the Cold War, that is.

**J2**: We've heard a disturbing rumor that Destro is on steroids. After the Barry Bonds incident, many public figures have been examined for steroid use. It's especially odd that Destro essentially has a desk job, and yet he still appears well-muscled. Do you deny these charges?

**D**: Of course! I would _never_ use something as crude as steroids. I would invent a more efficient chemical without as many side effects. That is, of course, theoretical.

**J2**: Of course.

**J1**: Are you really as good at business as you claim to be?

**D**: Yes, of course I am!

**J2**: But that's just a claim. Can you offer objective proof?

**D**: Storm Shadow, kill them too!

**SS**: My toe hurts. I can't kill them if my toe hurts.

**D**: Moron.

**J3**: Hey, Dreadnoks! Are you really cold-blooded killers, or guys who just like motorcycles?

**Torch**: Cold-blooded killers, of course.

**Machete**: Guys who like motorcycles.

**Buzzer**: All you like is beer.

**J1**: Zartan, what's on your head?

**Zartan**: I don't know. I think it's supposed to be hair, but I've never seen hair this color before.

**J2**: Are you really buffoons, or are you just putting up a front?

**Torch**: It's just the other ones.

**Buzzer**: What's a buffoon?

**J1**: Zartan, are you schizophrenic or not?

**Z**: Sure, why not.

**J3**: Dreadnoks, do you believe in aliens?

**Buzzer**: It really depends on what kind of aliens you're talking about…

**Machete**: Buzzer, they don't care.

**Buzzer**: Oh.

**J2**: Zartan, why don't you ever have a love interest?

**Z**: Storm Shadow, kill them. Slowly.

**J1**: (Whispered.) This is going too fast! Ask questions that aren't as probing.

**J2**: (Whispered.) Got it. (Spoken.) Baroness, why do you wear glasses when you could get contacts?

**Baroness**: It's part of my look.

**J3**: Baroness, do you still think that Snake Eyes killed your brother?

**B**: No. I still hate him, though.

**J3**: Do you actually think Cobra Commander is capable of world domination?

**B**: Probably not. At least, not with his current help. I mean, seriously, a world-class terrorist has a _biker gang_? How likely is that?

**J1**: If you could have a superpower, what would it be?

**B**: Do you know that one girl from the new X-men cartoons that can emit pheromones and then lure people to her?

**J1**: No.

**B**: Well that would still be my power.

**J2**: On that note, do you really love Destro, or are you just using him?

**B**: No comment. Storm Shadow, rip his insolent guts from his abdominal cavity!

**J3**: (Whispered.) Brad, you're gonna get us killed!

**J2**: (Whispered.) I just want a good story!

**B**: Storm Shadow, why aren't you killing them?

**SS**: They're amusing.

**J1**: Storm Shadow, it's your turn. Why do you hate Snake Eyes?

**SS**: Because…well, there's a lot of reasons…um…I don't really remember anymore. It's just a habit.

**J2**: Are you really human, or have you been totally dehumanized by brainwashing?

**SS**: Depends. Sometimes I'm good. Sometimes I'm totally without mercy. It often involves how much coffee I've had.

**J3**: Did you have an affair with Scarlett?

**SS**: I wouldn't touch her with a ten-foot pole. She's unnatural. Her hair frightens me.

**J2**: Why does her hair frighten you?

**SS**: Hair isn't supposed to be that color! It's very disturbing.

**J2**: Did you really kill Hard Master?

**SS**: That does it. You die! All of you!

(Screams. Sounds of viscera hitting the walls and floor. War cries can be heard in the background.)

**Baroness**: I suppose he had too much coffee this morning.

(End Recording.)


End file.
